I know my blog is boring, and I'm also aware that nobody has or probably will read it. Thats okay, I'd almost prefer them not to. In a way this is kinda like my secret twitter. Its away from the world, so I can write what I please. & Honestly - who uses a blog anymore?
So the point of this post is to talk about the feelings I consider to be the worst.
Fear & Uncertainty
Fear - I hate fear. Thats why I hate horror films. I'm scared enough in real life. Every day I deal with it. & i often find myself of thinking into the movie. I dont see it as entertainment when someone is murdered or tormented, because i know its real. It happens to people and it sucks. Its not something i want to face and see. I often find myself thinking about these characters, and the fear they feel, their last thoughts before they are written off the film in a bloody massacre. But in reality, they know they'll get up, covered in fake blood and laugh with the other actors, because what their doing it fun to them. Acting is what they enjoy. So I've come to wonder whether or not they really deserve to play a tormented character. Have they thought deeply into that character. Do they think about the characters life, do they have children, have the told their parents they loved them lately, do they regret anything? Even if the character is fictitious, there have been people who have been killed. And i find it more respectful to think about the people it has actually happened to. Question their last thoughts, the wriggling in their stomachs as they know they are about to face death. Then theres me, and i feel like an absolute idiot. I live in fucking Canada, i've never gone hungry, lived through a drought, had to grow my food, lose my parents, or been by myself. I feel guilty that everyday I worry about dying while i'm prefectly healthy, while there are actual people dying all over the world. I want to help. I want to change the way i think. I need to force myself to get over the fear, because thats the worst part of my day. Empty fear. There is nothing to it, nothing backing it up. It comes out of nowhere, and hangs above my head, or in my stomach until I cry. I'm going to change myself. I'll do it because I'm determined. I've gotten over anxiety before, and I'll do it again.
Uncertainty- Almost goes hand in hand with fear, doesnt it? You can be uncertain about how a day will turn out, or how the rest of your life will go. I like to know everything, yet when I find things out, it gives more reason to fear life. I dont want to fear it. I dont want to be uncertain with whats happening with my mind and body. But I'm determined to get through whatever life throws my way. They only thing you can do is stick to the things you're certain about. Because eventually, the uncertain things in life will be certain. They'll work out, I've learned that over my stressful life.
Things happen. I've been abused, ditched, hated, loved, hugged, distanced, anxious, sad, happy, amazing, ditched, expirienced loss, seen my parents divorce (and it's still a large issue in my life, 9 years later) and in the end, as mushy as it is to say - it has made me who I am. And I'm rather proud of myself.
I've made it this far, havent I?
One day at a time.
